Holly Jolly Shit Storm

November 1, 2016

 

 

Merry Christmas!

 

It’s only the beginning of November and I’m here to shit on your Holiday Spirit!  Mercury will be in retrograde during the jolliest time of year Dec. 19th to the 31st.  If you’re one of those crazy psychopaths that enjoy shopping during this time, good luck. You probably won’t make it out alive.

 

 

 

 

 

For those of you who don’t know what any of this means, let me break it down for you.

 

A mercury retrograde is when the planet appears to spin backwards, fucking up everything in your life – specifically things to do with the three T's, talk, tech, and transpo. A.K,A communication, technology, and communication.

 

Say goodbye to your car transmission because that shit’s about to blow.  Any new relationship you just got into, make sure ya’ll are on the same page because communicating with everyone including your mother, brother, and imaginary friend just got harder.  AND just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, you just dropped your phone, shattered the screen, got locked out of the house, and stepped in dog shit.

 

 

 

This lovely period happens about 3-4 weeks, 3-4 times per year. 

 

I have been personally victimized by a Mercury Retrograde and you probably have too. All stated accounts have happened to me...at the same time.

 

The best way to overcome this hellish time is to not start anything new.  This is a time of reflection! Make sure you focus on the "re's"- re-do, re-new, re-flect ect. No, it's not good to live in fear of these times because hey let's face it, life must go on. It is important, however, to make the appropriate adjustments during this retrograde so you're not left having a nervous break down. 

 

On a brighter note, usually if you have one really awful Merc.R, the others usually aren't as bad. Almost as if the universe is saying, "Yeah, we put her through the ringer the last time, let's not shit on her quite as much!"

 

Another glimmer of hope; it is also said that if you were born during a Mercury Retrograde that you are more likely to thrive during these periods so good for you!

 

For more information on all things planets- check out Astrostyle.com.

 

Getting back to Xmas...

 

GET YOUR SHOPPING DONE NOW.

 

NOW.

 

RIGHT NOW.

 

You have been warned!

 

I guarantee you will get trampled in Macy's Perfume department , the packages you ordered from Nordstrom is at your neighbor's house who hates you and is the same shoe size (good luck getting those boots back) and the figgy fucking pudding grandma wanted was made wrong because you forgot 2 important ingredients and the special garnish.

 

Grandma ends up getting so upset she ends up getting so overwhelmed she has a heart attack and dies.

 

AND YOUUUU HAVE JUST RUINED CHRISTMAS. 

 

 

*Insert PSA Concerned Voice & Sarah Mclachlan's dog commercial music*

 

Please. Get your shopping done now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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