A Tale Of No Chewing: A Juice Cleanse

It's the beginning of January, so of course I'm doing a juice cleanse, you silly goose!

I just liked the idea of resetting my body with an all-natural cleanse so swipe went the credit card- let's do this ! I decided to go with a new cleanse this time from the company Juice from the Raw.

I went with the 3 Day Whenever Cleanse because it's the intro option for the new "cleansee". I ordered my juices so I would get them Thursday Morning.

They came Thursday at 3pm.

When the UPS man came, actually, he has a name, it's Damon and he's great, I sliced the box open hoping to find some cool merch, maybe a fancy insulated bag with their logo, but all I got was a coupon and a reusable polyurethane bag liner. WOOHOO!

The 3 day cleanse comes with 6 juices per day and total out to somewhere around 480 calories. The juices are vegan, nonGMO, organic, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, and they're kosher-Phew! I'm out of breath! But seriously what more could you ask for?

The line-up includes:

Detox Greens, Pineapple Mint, Sweet Greens, Spicy Lemonade, Root Veggies, and Coconut Fusion. Because I received my juices late, I put Friday's meal in the refrigerator and the rest in the freezer as they come cold pressed.

Waking up Friday A.M, I was SO excited to start despite the Thursday mishap. I took the first juice out of the fridge, cracked the cap off, and sniffed.

EUREKA ! It doesn't smell like shit grass! After taking a sip, I could't believe what I tasted. It was DELICIOUS! I took another sip just to make sure it wasn't morning brain clouding my judgement- Nope, still good.

The Detox Greens is made with apple, celery, cucumber, dandelion, watercress, wild arugula, lemon, and ginger. The taste was light and fresh. I mean, duh, look at what I'm drinking! But in all seriousness it wasn't that familiar green, thick, grass taste where you either get used to the taste or have to pinch your nose and chug. You could taste the lemon and ginger through the greenery which I LOVED. What's better than having a green packed drink, loaded with green benefits, that doesn't taste like liquid salad? The combination of ingredients complimented each other so well- my gut was telling me that this cleanse was going to be a winner.

Pineapple Mint, as predicted, was awesome- It included the titled ingredients plus apple. Basic, easy, and refreshing- sipping it was a breeze. Third in line was the second and last green drink of the bunch- Sweet Greens. This juice was good. Not like OMG AMAZING like the first two, but it was good. It definitely tasted "greener" than the first one, but I didn't have to hold my nose either. It passed the smell test too, despite tasting slightly leafier than the other. Ingredients include apple, celery, cucumber, swisschard, green kale, romaine, lemon, and ginger.

I was looking forward to the Spicy Lemonade. Purified water, lemons, organic agave nectar, and cayenne peppah! YUM IN MY TUM. I have made this juice as a do it yourselfer cleanse before, minus the nectar, and the benefits of this drink alone are superb. Immunity booster, liver stimulator, digestion aid, weight loss aid, and pain reliever are just a few bennies of drinking this liquid gold. This juice is definitely loaded with cayenne pepper, it's not as subtle as I thought it would be prior to drinking. It has a kick to it, no, my tongue did not singe off, but you can definitely feel a tingle in the back of your throat.

There's no set time schedule on how fast you should drink your drinks. I found that I would be reaching for a new juice approx. every two-three hours. My first day down and I was so full. I wasn't hungry at all, but mentally I was craving the chew. No, not tobacco ya nasty, chewing food- the motion of opening and closing your jaw! This cleanse definitely tested my will power.

I really slowed my roll when the fourth drink hit because I was stuffed. Not stuffed like after a gorge sesh, but definitely to the point where I wanted to put the bottle down. I did finish out my first day though, for a few reasons- Those being:

1. $112 dollars with shipping, you will drink these, and you will like it! 2. You're writing about it, remember?

3. I’m obvi. curious to see what they all taste like.

The “dinner” juice was meaty, super filling and slightly thicker than the rest. I say dinner because by the time you drink it, it’s around supper time. It was the Root Veggies, made with apple, carrot, beet, lemon, and ginger. This one wasn’t bad, but I had to suck it down with a straw so I could get it down fast. Out of the full cleanse this one was the drink that tasted the most “green”- took me off guard too considering it’s red. Definitely not my favorite drink, although it did pass the smell test!

At this point I just wanted to get to the last juice, Coconut Fusion, and get to bed. THIS IS NOT A JOKE, first sip of the fusion and I swear it tasted like a fancy Starbucks coffee and a shot of Sambuca. Again, shocked at what I tasted, I took another swig before making my cousin shove it down her throat. She tasted the Buca. I do not like coconut water at all. So when I was reading the ingredients- organic young thai coconut water, and organic young thai coconut flesh, I was totally grossed out.


I didn’t want my last meal to be the worst one, but this was awesome. I couldn’t suck it down because it was sweet but I sipped on it like the classy old man that I am and enjoyed every second of it-

Then I passed the fuck out.

Day 1 was easy. I wasn’t starving! I was full, but didn’t have that flat feeling yet. It actually hurt to suck in the gut. The next morning I woke up hungry. Again, not starving but hungry and not as flat as I expected to be. Day 2 I began to go on auto pilot with the drinks and it was the same as the day before, easy but I started having cravings, specifically, my favorite, cheese. I just had to talk myself through it. Around mid-day Day2 I started getting a dull headache, I'm not sure if it was from the cleanse or lack of caffeine but I slept it off. I love that I didn’t have to think about making a shake, or prepping anything, I was just able to grab and go. Throughout the cleanse I wasn’t tired or groggy AND ADDED BONUS- my skin was glowing!

When I woke up Day 3 I was flatter than the first two days but, again, not as flat as I thought I'd be- I think it was because I was still filled with liquid. Being it was Sunday, and I wanted to sleep in, I didn't end up starting my juices until mid morning. Because I was so used to them by now, I went through each one so fast, I was done by 6pm. I went food shopping and was shocked! I had no cravings. NONE. I didn't want any cheese or bread-I could care less about them! I didn't want to throw myself on the

CheezIt shelf or cover myself in chip dip. THIS IS MAJOR. I thought that by finishing the cleanse early, I'd be starving later on- Nope- didn't go to bed hungry, I was still stuffed with liquid.

Now that all of the bullshit's out of the way let's talk about poop.

I know that after someone says the word cleanse, I immediately think about shit.

Will I shit myself?

If I drink that will I implode causing me to explode?

If I drink this at work will they fire me for a bugle horn bagpipe sesh in the bathroom?

Can you or can you not trust your farts?

Will my poops look like an organic arugula salad?

The list goes on. I mean, these are just a few things that run through my head before I decide to commit to a cleanse. My advice to you, in regards to this cleanse, is to plan your cleanse dates when you’re off- just in case you enjoy pooping in the comforts of your own home or end up getting a migraine you need to sleep off. They say it’s better to do a cleanse when you are at work to keep your mind off of what you’re doing but they also said to eat healthy before the cleanse...

I had a taylor ham egg and cheese sandwich.

Results were still great. Speaking of which, let's get to it!

If you are looking to reset your body and get away from unhealthy cravings just stop reading this and order here now. After I was finished with my cleanse- the food I followed up with was all around healthy. I made my portions smaller purposely to see if the food would fill me up and it did, I wasn't hungry and left wanting more. Part of me thought that once I started back on solid foods I would end up in a gorge fest. I definitely plan on doing this cleanse once a month because of my results. If you're looking for digits, look else where, I don't do scales I go by how I feel. What I can tell you is the ring that I wear on my ring finger now has to be worn on my index finger so it won't fall off, my skinny jeans that just fit are now roomy, and finally after I peed my life away, my stomach is the flat I was looking for since Day 1. My skin is extra fucking radiant and I have yet to look for cheese #Winning.

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